Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
