I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
