Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My penis needs a shock collar
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
