Your face is a jimmy john
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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