worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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