This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
