everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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