I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize