It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
