I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
