So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
and she was petting her beer can
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
