I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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