my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
