went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
