I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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