I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
