i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
