dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
