we have pet lesbian snakes
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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