Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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