Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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