Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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