Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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