We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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