They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize