all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
