Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize