Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
