At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
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