All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
