someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
