I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize