That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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