yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
