The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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