SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sorry my hands just texted you
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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