I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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