My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
