I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
