I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
