I accidentally burped into my bong.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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