ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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