just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
