Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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