So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize