She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
