There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
