Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
