theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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