last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
