Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
