i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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