the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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