tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
