i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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