You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
