mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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