I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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