You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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