I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
